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I am a prostitute. I have been a woman of the street because I was underage. I'm in my mid-30s now. I am not one of those This is my calling! I can quit anytime I want to!, or I can choose my customers and I would never deal with the undesirable ones! Not at all. I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it might be true for them, but after several years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and must not be mentioned, I have started to question their reality as well, not just my own fact. I was likewise among those who told all the clients how lovely it is to see them, how happy I am to work with them, how they are my favourite clients. I actually tried to make myself think it too.
The truth is, of course, I was really pleased to see their money, and I was also extremely delighted to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully yelling at them as they left: Thanks! Which in fact suggested: Thanks for the cash so I can make it through another day, I'm so pleased that it's over for today. I will never get out of this miserable task, so I need to attempt to keep my regulars delighted to prevent the threats that come with satisfying new customers.
And I was often informed by clients that my Girlfriend Experience was awesome, almost perfect. Simply an illusion or was it real, Jo? This was asked often. I was often told that I was wholeheartedly included with my clients in our sessions. That my pleasure was not phony, that I really appeared to like sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all suppressed under the well-practised performance. The performance that helped me survive in this world since I was a kid.
The customers questioned if there were really some genuine, hot sensations between us. Lots of messages from them, thanking me for the experience. And I never ever even remembered what had actually happened. I seemed like a robot every day. Seems that I really was a excellent actress. The customers of course would not understand better, due to the fact that I was always on drugs (which none of them even observed, I concealed it all so well), very addicted to painkillers and benzodiazepines to manage the inhumane working conditions, and I had blocked my mind from remembering too much, to secure my inner self, like most of us do in prostitution. I would just rest on my bed later on, taking a look at the cash, concentrating on it, counting my cost savings every day to keep myself inspired, and counting how much more I would need to conserve to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had occurred in prostitution. Ever. To remove every information of my past.
I was one of those who never ever had numerous options. Sometimes I attempted to get disability, however the bureaucracy failed me over and over again-- my psychological health had actually been very shattered all my life, I couldn't even go to a supermarket alone any longer. I also had no one to help me, no actual security net. My self-esteem was really low, starting from youth abuse, continuing well into their adult years, a relentless cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other industry than the sex industry, not even a day.
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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.
I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.
There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.
I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!
I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.
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