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I am a woman of the street. I have been a woman of the street since I was underage. I'm in my mid-30s now. I am not one of those This is my calling! I can give up anytime I want to!, or I can pick my customers and I would never deal with the undesirable ones! Not. I do not wish to belittle their experiences, part of it may be true for them, but after several years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and should not be spoken of, I have begun to question their reality also, not just my own fact. I was also one of those who told all the customers how charming it is to see them, how happy I am to work with them, how they are my favourite customers. I actually tried to make myself believe it too.

The reality is, of course, I was very pleased to see their money, and I was also really happy to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully shouting at them as they left: Thanks! Which in fact implied: Thanks for the money so I can endure another day, I'm so happy that it's over for today. However I will never ever leave this unpleasant task, so I should try to keep my regulars happy to prevent the dangers that come with fulfilling new clients.

And I was frequently informed by customers that my Girlfriend Experience was remarkable, almost best. Just an illusion or was it real, Jo? This was asked often. I was often informed that I was totally involved with my clients in our sessions. That my pleasure was not phony, that I really appeared to like sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all reduced under the well-practised efficiency. The efficiency that helped me endure in this world given that I was a kid.

The clients questioned if there were in fact some genuine, hot sensations between us. Lots of messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The clients of course wouldn't know better, due to the fact that I was always on drugs (which none of them even noticed, I concealed everything so well), really addicted to benzodiazepines and painkillers to handle the inhumane working conditions, and I had obstructed my mind from remembering excessive, to protect my inner self, like most of us do in prostitution. I would just sit on my bed later on, taking a look at the money, focusing on it, counting my savings every day to keep myself inspired, and counting how much more I would need to save to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had taken place in prostitution. Ever. To remove every single detail of my past.

I was one of those who never had numerous options. At times I tried to get disability, however the administration failed me over and over once again-- my psychological health had actually been very shattered all my life, I couldn't even go to a grocery store alone anymore. But I also had nobody to assist me, no real safeguard. My self-esteem was extremely low, starting from youth abuse, continuing well into adulthood, a never-ending cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other market than the sex industry, not even a day.

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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.

I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.

There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.

I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!

I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.

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