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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can choose my customers and I would never work with the undesirable ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it may be real for them, however after many years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and must not be spoken of, I have actually started to question their reality as well, not simply my own truth. I was also one of those who told all the clients how beautiful it is to see them, how happy I am to deal with them, how they are my preferred customers. I truly tried to make myself believe it too.
The fact is, of course, I was extremely happy to see their money, and I was likewise very delighted to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully yelling at them as they left: Thanks! Which in fact meant: Thanks for the money so I can make it through another day, I'm so delighted that it's over for today. However I will never leave this miserable task, so I should attempt to keep my regulars delighted to avoid the threats that include meeting new clients.
And I was often informed by clients that my Girlfriend Experience was remarkable, nearly ideal. Just an impression or was it real, Jo? This was asked in some cases. I was frequently told that I was completely involved with my clients in our sessions. That my pleasure was not fake, that I actually appeared to like sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all reduced under the well-practised performance. The efficiency that helped me make it through in this world considering that I was a kid.
The clients wondered if there were really some real, hot feelings between us. Numerous messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The clients of course would not understand much better, since I was constantly on drugs (which none of them even saw, I concealed it all so well), really addicted to benzodiazepines and pain relievers to handle the inhumane working conditions, and I had actually blocked my mind from remembering too much, to secure my inner self, like most of us do in prostitution. I would simply sit on my bed later on, looking at the cash, focusing on it, counting my cost savings every day to keep myself motivated, and counting how much more I would have to conserve to retire. To never ever return, to leave and to forget all that had occurred in prostitution.
I was one of those who never had lots of options. At times I attempted to get disability, however the bureaucracy failed me over and over again-- my psychological health had been extremely shattered all my life, I could not even go to a grocery store alone anymore. I also had no one to help me, no actual security net. My self-confidence was very low, starting from youth abuse, continuing well into their adult years, a never-ending cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other market than the sex industry, not even a day.
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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.
I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.
There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.
I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!
I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.
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