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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can choose my customers and I would never ever work with the undesirable ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it might be true for them, however after lots of years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and must not be spoken of, I have started to question their reality as well, not just my own fact. I was also among those who told all the customers how beautiful it is to see them, how delighted I am to work with them, how they are my favourite customers. I truly attempted to make myself think it too.

The truth is, of course, I was very pleased to see their cash, and I was also really pleased to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully screaming at them as they left: Thanks! Which in fact meant: Thanks for the cash so I can endure another day, I'm so happy that it's over for today. However I will never ever leave this miserable task, so I need to try to keep my regulars pleased to prevent the threats that come with fulfilling new customers.

And I was typically told by clients that my Girlfriend Experience was amazing, practically ideal. I was often told that I was completely included with my clients in our sessions. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all suppressed under the well-practised performance. The efficiency that helped me endure in this world given that I was a kid.

The customers questioned if there were actually some real, hot feelings in between us. Lots of messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The customers of course wouldn't know much better, since I was constantly on drugs (which none of them even saw, I concealed all of it so well), very addicted to benzodiazepines and painkillers to handle the inhumane working conditions, and I had blocked my mind from remembering too much, to protect my inner self, like most of us perform in prostitution. I would just rest on my bed afterwards, taking a look at the cash, concentrating on it, counting my savings every day to keep myself motivated, and counting how much more I would have to conserve to retire. To never ever return, to leave and to forget all that had taken place in prostitution. Ever. To remove every single information of my past.

I was one of those who never had lots of options. At times I attempted to get disability, but the bureaucracy failed me over and over again-- my psychological health had been extremely shattered all my life, I could not even go to a grocery store alone anymore. I also had no one to assist me, no actual security web. My self-confidence was very low, beginning with youth abuse, continuing well into their adult years, a never-ending cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other industry than the sex industry, not even a day.

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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.

I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.

There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.

I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!

I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.

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