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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can pick my customers and I would never ever work with the unpleasant ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it might be real for them, but after numerous years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and ought to not be spoken of, I have actually begun to question their truth as well, not just my own truth. I was also one of those who told all the clients how lovely it is to see them, how delighted I am to work with them, how they are my preferred clients. I actually attempted to make myself believe it too.
The reality is, of course, I was very pleased to see their money, and I was likewise extremely happy to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully shouting at them as they left: Thanks! I had a good time! Invite back! Which in fact meant: Thanks for the money so I can endure another day, I'm so happy that it's over for today. However I will never leave this unpleasant job, so I must attempt to keep my regulars happy to avoid the risks that feature meeting new customers.
And I was frequently informed by customers that my Girlfriend Experience was awesome, practically ideal. Simply an impression or was it real, Jo? This was asked in some cases. I was often told that I was totally included with my customers in our sessions. That my pleasure was not fake, that I actually appeared to enjoy sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all suppressed under the well-practised performance. The efficiency that helped me make it through in this world since I was a kid.
The customers questioned if there were in fact some genuine, hot sensations in between us. Many messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The clients of course would not understand better, because I was constantly on drugs (which none of them even noticed, I hid everything so well), really addicted to pain relievers and benzodiazepines to manage the inhumane working conditions, and I had actually obstructed my mind from remembering too much, to secure my inner self, like the majority of us do in prostitution. I would simply sit on my bed afterwards, looking at the money, concentrating on it, counting my savings every day to keep myself encouraged, and counting just how much more I would need to conserve to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had occurred in prostitution. Ever. To erase every single information of my past.
I was among those who never had many choices. Sometimes I tried to get disability, but the bureaucracy failed me over and over again-- my mental health had actually been extremely shattered all my life, I couldn't even go to a supermarket alone anymore. I also had no one to help me, no actual security net. My self-confidence was very low, beginning with youth abuse, continuing well into adulthood, a relentless cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other industry than the sex industry, not even a day.
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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.
I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.
There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.
I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!
I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.
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