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Hi my name is Milena im from Macedonia. I am 24 years old. I offer GFE and PSE. I also do erotic massages and im a (...) Blitterlees CA7

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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can pick my clients and I would never ever work with the unpleasant ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it might be true for them, but after numerous years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and ought to not be spoken of, I have begun to question their reality as well, not just my own reality. I was also among those who talked the customers how beautiful it is to see them, how pleased I am to deal with them, how they are my preferred clients. I actually attempted to make myself believe it too.

The truth is, of course, I was very happy to see their money, and I was also really pleased to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully shouting at them as they left: Thanks! I had a great time! Welcome back! Which in fact implied: Thanks for the money so I can survive another day, I'm so happy that it's over for today. I will never ever get out of this unpleasant job, so I need to try to keep my regulars happy to prevent the threats that come with meeting new customers.

And I was typically told by clients that my Girlfriend Experience was remarkable, practically ideal. Just an impression or was it real, Jo? This was asked sometimes. I was often informed that I was wholeheartedly involved with my customers in our sessions. That my pleasure was not phony, that I truly seemed to enjoy sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all reduced under the well-practised efficiency. The performance that assisted me survive in this world considering that I was a kid.

The customers wondered if there were actually some real, hot sensations between us. Many messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The customers of course would not know much better, because I was always on drugs (which none even discovered, I concealed all of it so well), really addicted to pain relievers and benzodiazepines to deal with the inhumane working conditions, and I had blocked my mind from remembering too much, to protect my inner self, like most of us do in prostitution. I would just sit on my bed afterwards, looking at the cash, focusing on it, counting my savings every day to keep myself inspired, and counting how much more I would have to save to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had actually taken place in prostitution.

I was among those who never had lots of options. At times I attempted to get special needs, but the administration failed me over and over again-- my mental health had been extremely shattered all my life, I could not even go to a grocery store alone any longer. I also had no one to help me, no real safety web. My self-esteem was very low, beginning with childhood abuse, continuing well into the adult years, a never-ending cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other industry than the sex market, not even a day.

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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.

I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.

There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.

I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!

I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.

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