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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can choose my clients and I would never ever work with the unpleasant ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it might be real for them, but after numerous years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and must not be spoken of, I have actually started to question their truth as well, not simply my own truth. I was also among those who told all the clients how lovely it is to see them, how happy I am to work with them, how they are my favourite customers. I really tried to make myself believe it too.

The fact is, of course, I was very happy to see their money, and I was also very happy to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully screaming at them as they left: Thanks! Which in fact indicated: Thanks for the money so I can make it through another day, I'm so pleased that it's over for today. However I will never ever get out of this miserable task, so I need to try to keep my regulars delighted to prevent the risks that come with meeting new clients.

And I was often informed by customers that my Girlfriend Experience was incredible, almost perfect. Just an impression or was it real, Jo? This was asked often. I was frequently informed that I was totally involved with my clients in our sessions. That my pleasure was not phony, that I actually appeared to enjoy sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all suppressed under the well-practised efficiency. The performance that helped me endure in this world since I was a kid.

The customers questioned if there were in fact some genuine, hot feelings between us. Many messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The customers naturally wouldn't know much better, because I was always on drugs (which none of them even discovered, I concealed it all so well), extremely addicted to benzodiazepines and pain relievers to manage the inhumane working conditions, and I had blocked my mind from remembering excessive, to protect my inner self, like most of us do in prostitution. I would just sit on my bed afterwards, looking at the money, focusing on it, counting my savings every day to keep myself inspired, and counting how much more I would have to save to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had actually occurred in prostitution.

I was one of those who never ever had numerous options. Sometimes I tried to get disability, however the bureaucracy failed me over and over once again-- my mental health had been extremely shattered all my life, I could not even go to a grocery store alone anymore. I likewise had no one to assist me, no real security net. My self-confidence was really low, beginning with youth abuse, continuing well into their adult years, a continuous cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other market than the sex market, not even a day.

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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.

I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.

There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.

I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!

I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.

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