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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can pick my clients and I would never work with the unpleasant ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it might be true for them, however after lots of years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and must not be spoken of, I have begun to question their truth as well, not just my own fact. I was likewise among those who talked the clients how charming it is to see them, how delighted I am to deal with them, how they are my favourite clients. I truly tried to make myself believe it too.

The truth is, of course, I was very happy to see their money, and I was likewise extremely delighted to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully shouting at them as they left: Thanks! Which in fact implied: Thanks for the money so I can endure another day, I'm so happy that it's over for today. But I will never ever leave this miserable task, so I must try to keep my regulars happy to prevent the risks that come with satisfying new clients.

And I was often informed by customers that my Girlfriend Experience was remarkable, nearly best. Simply an illusion or was it real, Jo? This was asked often. I was often told that I was completely included with my customers in our sessions. That my pleasure was not fake, that I actually seemed to like sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all reduced under the well-practised performance. The performance that helped me endure in this world because I was a kid.

The customers questioned if there were actually some real, hot feelings between us. Lots of messages from them, thanking me for the experience. And I never even remembered what had occurred. I seemed like a robot every day. But appears that I really was a great actress. The customers of course wouldn't understand much better, since I was always on drugs (which none even observed, I concealed it all so well), extremely addicted to painkillers and benzodiazepines to manage the inhumane working conditions, and I had obstructed my mind from remembering too much, to secure my inner self, like most of us do in prostitution. I would simply rest on my bed later on, looking at the money, focusing on it, counting my savings every day to keep myself encouraged, and counting just how much more I would need to save to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had taken place in prostitution. Ever. To remove every information of my past.

I was one of those who never ever had numerous options. At times I tried to get impairment, however the bureaucracy failed me over and over once again-- my mental health had been incredibly shattered all my life, I couldn't even go to a supermarket alone any longer. I also had no one to help me, no real security web. My self-esteem was very low, beginning with youth abuse, continuing well into the adult years, a continuous cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other market than the sex market, not even a day.

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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.

I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.

There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.

I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!

I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.

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