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Hi my name is Milena im from Macedonia. I am 24 years old. I offer GFE and PSE. I also do erotic massages and im a (...) Bushey Mead SW20

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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can pick my clients and I would never ever work with the unpleasant ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it may be real for them, but after numerous years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and should not be spoken of, I have actually begun to question their fact as well, not just my own reality. I was also among those who told all the customers how charming it is to see them, how happy I am to deal with them, how they are my favourite clients. I truly attempted to make myself think it too.

The fact is, of course, I was really delighted to see their money, and I was likewise extremely happy to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully yelling at them as they left: Thanks! Which in fact indicated: Thanks for the cash so I can make it through another day, I'm so pleased that it's over for today. I will never get out of this miserable job, so I must try to keep my regulars delighted to avoid the dangers that come with fulfilling new customers.

And I was frequently told by clients that my Girlfriend Experience was awesome, almost ideal. Just an illusion or was it real, Jo? This was asked in some cases. I was typically informed that I was completely included with my customers in our sessions. That my pleasure was not phony, that I actually appeared to like sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all reduced under the well-practised performance. The performance that helped me survive in this world since I was a kid.

The customers questioned if there were really some real, hot feelings in between us. Numerous messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The customers of course wouldn't know better, since I was constantly on drugs (which none of them even observed, I hid it all so well), really addicted to painkillers and benzodiazepines to manage the inhumane working conditions, and I had actually obstructed my mind from keeping in mind too much, to protect my inner self, like the majority of us carry out in prostitution. I would simply sit on my bed afterwards, taking a look at the money, focusing on it, counting my cost savings every day to keep myself motivated, and counting just how much more I would have to conserve to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had actually taken place in prostitution. Ever. To eliminate each and every single information of my past.

I was among those who never ever had many choices. At times I tried to get disability, however the bureaucracy failed me over and over once again-- my psychological health had been very shattered all my life, I could not even go to a supermarket alone anymore. But I likewise had nobody to help me, no actual safety net. My self-esteem was extremely low, beginning with youth abuse, continuing well into adulthood, a nonstop cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other market than the sex market, not even a day.

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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.

I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.

There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.

I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!

I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.

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