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I am not one of those This is my calling!, or I can select my customers and I would never ever work with the undesirable ones! I do not want to belittle their experiences, part of it might be real for them, however after many years of hearing from them-- hearing how my negative experiences in prostitution are all my own fault and must not be spoken of, I have begun to question their truth as well, not just my own truth. I was also one of those who talked the clients how lovely it is to see them, how pleased I am to work with them, how they are my preferred customers. I actually tried to make myself think it too.

The fact is, obviously, I was really pleased to see their cash, and I was likewise really delighted to see them leave me alone after our sessions. Cheerfully shouting at them as they left: Thanks! I had a great time! Invite back! Which in fact meant: Thanks for the money so I can make it through another day, I'm so happy that it's over for today. But I will never get out of this unpleasant job, so I should attempt to keep my regulars delighted to avoid the risks that feature fulfilling new customers.

And I was frequently told by customers that my Girlfriend Experience was amazing, practically perfect. Just an impression or was it real, Jo? This was asked in some cases. I was often told that I was totally involved with my customers in our sessions. That my pleasure was not fake, that I actually seemed to like sex. What sex? I have no memories of the sex part at all, they are all reduced under the well-practised efficiency. The efficiency that helped me survive in this world because I was a kid.

The customers questioned if there were actually some real, hot feelings in between us. Many messages from them, thanking me for the experience. The customers naturally would not understand better, because I was always on drugs (which none of them even saw, I hid everything so well), very addicted to painkillers and benzodiazepines to deal with the inhumane working conditions, and I had blocked my mind from keeping in mind too much, to secure my inner self, like the majority of us carry out in prostitution. I would just rest on my bed later on, taking a look at the money, focusing on it, counting my savings every day to keep myself motivated, and counting how much more I would need to save to retire. To never return, to leave and to forget all that had happened in prostitution. Ever. To remove every single detail of my past.

I was among those who never had many options. Sometimes I tried to get disability, however the administration failed me over and over again-- my mental health had actually been very shattered all my life, I could not even go to a supermarket alone anymore. But I also had nobody to assist me, no actual safeguard. My self-confidence was really low, starting from childhood abuse, continuing well into adulthood, a never-ending cycle. No education whatsoever. No work experience in any other industry than the sex industry, not even a day.

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All I might concentrate on every minute of my life was to get the inspiration to go on living at all, to breathe, and to go on serving my self-centred, requiring, wife-cheating, clinging, stalking, bargaining, rude customers. I saw no escape.

I had actually quit my cherished kid, merely not to destroy her life as I was gradually messing up mine-- I referred to as a truth I would have destroyed her life simply by being me, even if it was the last thing I wished to take place no matter how I would have attempted to safeguard her, I seemed like I destroyed whatever I touched.

There is so much disrespect in the world of prostitution that reasonably regular human behaviour from customers felt like a present from God. The kids were constantly informed we are not worth anything.

I have actually begun to treat my customers with as much disrespect as they have for me, to start with, involuntarily. If a customer in fact paid the complete rate, I was so appreciative for his additional generosity for the clingy! If a customer didn't verbally or physically attack me too severely, I saw him as a keeper!

I still see no escape prior to I have actually conserved up enough for the rest of my life, however I have actually thought of all this through and through. No more lies! I have actually attempted whatever to go out, however I keep falling back.

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